Death Eater Files
by Daebak Fai
Summary: The Death Eater Files were found in the Malfoys' manor. Years after the war, the Ministry has finally published them. These files will show a completely different side of the Death Eaters...


**Death Eater Files**

**How To Become A Death Eater- By Lord V. (aka Baldy)**

Greetings, pure bloods. This is how you become a Death Eater. We are the most powderful group in the universe! Yes, powderful. Powderful. POWDERFUL MWA HA HA HA HA—_belch._ Whoops. Need to work on my evil laugh. Ahem. Since I am too awesome to deal with your petty little questions—Wormtail, I am not lazy—I'll show you all a transcript of what happened when someone applied to be a Death Eater.

**Transcript: 2/11/05, 9 pm, *peanut butter stain covers the rest***

(Door opens)

LORD MOLDYWART: State your name and business.

FULVIA: Sup dawg, I'm Fulvia. I want to be a Death Eater.

LORD MOLDYWART: Did you call me a dog?

FULVIA: Um...no, of course not. I was just talking to the invisble Pikachu in the coffee machine.

LORD MOLDYWART: Alright. Just answer these three questions correctly and you'll pass the first part of the test.

FULVIA: Sure.

LORD MOLDYWART: How young am I?

FULVIA: One second younger than Dumbledore.

LORD MOLDYWART: Since I heard 'younger than Dumbledore', you're correct. Next question: How greasy is Snape's hair?

FULVIA: More greasy than the amount of grease used in the French fries you eat for breakfast.

LORD MOLDYWART: Completely ignoring the fact that you know that I eat fries for breakfast, yes, you are correct. Next question! How long is Lucius's pathetically bimbo-like hair? **(No offense to blondes, Lucius is unique)**

FULVIA: As long as yours.

LORD MOLDYWART: So...he has no hair?

FULVIA: Duh! He's wearing a wig!

LORD MOLDYWART: Hm...I think you're right! You've passed the first part of the test! Now, the second part of the test: Steal Snape's bon-bons.

FULVIA: Okay.

(FULVIA leaves the room)

**End of Transcript.**

Voldemort here. Such an exemplary recruit. About Snape's bon-bons, I'm not sure if they got stolen as I was drawing on a picture of Potter. You know, moustaches, devil horns, et cetera, et cetera. Ta ta!

**Snape's Diary- Stolen by Wormtail**

_Dear Diary,_

_Stupid new recruit stole my bon-bons! What was she thinking? They'll die without their mother—not that I care, of course. Anyway, after that MoldyWart (that's what everyone calls him behind his back, even Wormtail) called me to his office. I thought: Goody, I hope he's going to promote me. I'm sick of being the McDonald Raider. But noooooo, he told me to buy him Earl Grey Tea from Starbucks! I want my bon-bons. WHERE ARE MY BON-BONS? Arrgh, I'm going crazy. Must remember to meet Fenrir and Bellatrix to discuss Moldy's dinner. I'm thinking of adding worms. Bella wants to add a hex and blame Fenrir. Fenrir has no idea at all. Uh-oh, Moldy's calling. Again. Got to go._

_—Severus Snape, NOT the McDonald Raider._

**Narcissa's Video Recording**

"Narcissa here. I'm using this new-fangled thing Muggles call a video camera," Narcissa whispered, adjusting the camera on the wall.

"Cissy, what are you doing? Hurry up, let's start the meeting!" Bellatrix glared at her. Narcissa rolled her eyes and sat down.

"Ahem. Shall we began?" Moldy swept into the room, rope draping his shoulders. Oh wait. That was Nagini. Whoops.

Narcissa hummed, tapping her fingers on the table. When would the meeting start? She was so bored.

"Darling, what is that thing on the wall?" Lucius slid into the seat next to her, patting his blonde hair into place.

"Some Muggle gadget I want to try out," Narcissa smiled charmingly. Moldy had told her to test Muggle equipment in case they could be useful.

"Roll-call!" Peter Pettigrew piped up shrilly. The Death Eaters groaned. Nothing like a rat to ruin the mood.

"The Blonde L!" Lucius kicked him. Here.

"French Fries!" He got slapped. Here.

"Bella from Twilight!" He got Aquamentied. Here.

"Nitwit of the Dimwits!" He socked himself in the arm. Here.

"Narcissa!" She nodded. Pettigrew sighed in relief. Here.

"His Royal Highness, King, Prince, Earl, Duke, Lord Voldemort of the Death Eaters!" Peter rattled off a string of titles. Now they knew who had cursed the list. Here.

Voldemort smirked. "On to the meeting. Suggest ways to kill Potter. French Fries!" He pointed to Snape.

"We make him play Pokémon."

"Idiot! The Blonde L!"

"Get him a girlfriend!"

"Unless she kills him, that's stupid. Bella Cullen!"

"Make him gay, feed you and him a love potion." Bellatrix growled, clearly disliking the name.

"Absolutely not! Narcissa!"

"_Avada kadava_ him?"

"Doesn't work. Nitwit of the Dimwits!"

"Y-You take over the w-world and kill him, L-Lord Voldemort, sir!" Peter jumped at least a foot in the air in shock.

"Not bad. Myself!" Now he inflates his ego, Severus thought.

"WE BECOME BEST FRIENDS!" Everyone stared at him, shook their heads, and walked out of the room, muttering, "He's lost it,".

**Dinner**

"Worms?" Severus threw Wormtail into the pot as an answer to Bellatrix's question.

"Actual worms?" Wormtail was replaced with actual wriggly earthworms. Chanting as she waved her wand, Bellatrix cursed the drinker of the soup (cough cough MOLDYWART cough) to insult himself for one hour. Fenrir stared blankly before sending a glob of spit into the pot. Then they left it to boil. With Wormtail meticulously adding chill peppers.

**This could be a multi-chapter fic or a oneshot. Like it? Love it? Review, favourite, and story alert this please!**

**~ðæβακ Γαï**


End file.
